Beating the Odds

So, as I stated in my previous post, the doctor told me that I would not be able to conceive on my own. Of course my doctor is the sweetest man and was much more tactful and less blunt, but that was the gist of it. My body creates antibodies that kill the sperm. Well, as I also said, we opted not to do an IUI the next day, even though the timing was right, because we were so stressed about having to move out of our apartment due to the fire upstairs and our home smelling like smoke. Needless to say, it was a bad week for anything, let alone baby making. We were living in a hotel/our car/Skylar's parents house.
Anyone who has taken a health class has learned that the journey for a tiny little sperm is amazingly long and difficult. All conception seems to be a miracle in itself.
They say that stress is bad for conception.
The medical probability also is depleted significantly when the woman's body (such as mine) is not creating a friendly environment for those already vulnerable swimmers to make it along in their voyage.
So when my period didn't start, and my temperatures remained high 23 days past the predicted ovulation date, I started to get a little suspicious. I didn't think I was pregnant. I just thought that the Clomid wasn't actually working and I didn't actually ovulate and my temperatures were only high because it's cold and my body was over compensating. I was planning on calling my doctor and requesting a stronger dosage of Clomid as soon as my period started, since I had already had my monthly check up the day I thought my period was going to start. I had also taken a pregnancy test the morning before I saw the doctor, on my 29th day, just to be sure I wasn't going to see him for nothing. I had had a dream that morning that the test would be positive and I wouldn't have to go to the doctor after all. But my dream didn't come true. The test was negative, only the 1 familiar pink line.
A week later, still cramping, still hot in the morning, I peed on a stick again. As awful as it sounds, when I met that long awaited stranger, the second pink line, my reaction wasn't nearly as delighted as I had always imagined it would be for that moment. I cried, as I had imagined, but not for joy. I was actually scared.
Getting pregnant right now is the worst possible timing. One month before would be do-able, 1 month after, still not the best, but better. August 25th is my expected due date (according to babycenter.com due date calculator) Skylar will be starting law school around that time. The chances of him being in the delivery room with me are slim to none. Unless baby wants to come 3 weeks early, or he doesn't move out until the day before school. (The good news is that I will be able to work and keep my insurance through the whole pregnancy, which I am grateful for).

I cried and cried and was so mad at myself for 1. Not thinking through a logical plan, and not calculating better, and 2. I was mad for being mad at myself! ~My first pregnant emotional breakdown.
Skylar, being the fantastic, wonderful husband that he is, calmed me down in minutes, reminded me that everything will be ok. It may not be the way we imagined, but it'll be alright, things will work out, and for heaven's sake, we're pregnant!!

When we were married for only a few months we decided to stop the birth control because we wanted to put the child bearing business in the Lord's hands, let it happen when it happens. When we started Clomid we felt it was the right thing to do because NOT being on the infertility medication was just as effective as birth control, and again, we still wanted to be available for our children to join our family when the Lord saw fit. So what if God decided to play a little jokey on us and send a baby at the worst possible time? That doesn't mean we're going to give up on our faith and be angry at the timing. The whole point of our method was that we didn't want to be the ones to choose when the timing was right. We figured God was much better at timing than we would ever be. If we waited until we were "ready" we would never be "ready."
We're going to roll with the punches, make the most of it. And THANK GOD every single day that I have a growing baby in my belly.

I know we may get many people criticize our method, think that we're being immature or impulsive. Some may believe that we give God too much credit. And that's fine, they can criticize. But we're doing what we feel is right for our family. We believe that having and raising children is the best blessing we can receive in this life, so bring on the blessings, even when they come with trials. The hard times will pass and be gone, and when they're over, we'll still have our blessings, and we'll be even more grateful for them.

To my dear friends who are going through the struggles of infertility. Don't give up hope. I'm afraid anything I say may come off as hypocritical, or easy to say because I'm out of it for the time being, but I want you to know that I love you, and I know how you feel. I felt almost guilty when I got pregnant and my friends going through similar, or even worse infertility problems than I, have not conceived. Even only a few weeks ago, nothing anyone ever said was of much comfort. So I'm not going to try to offer any words of consolation, just know that I empathize.

Killing Pirates

I went to the doctor to do a post coital test. This test tells whether or not I am creating the cervical fluid that the sperm can survive in. It was simple, like a pap smear, the doctor takes the sample then runs some tests and looks at it under a microscope. It was discovered that my body recognizes the sperm as an enemy, and is I have created anti-bodies that are killing the little swimmers before they can get to where they're supposed to be going. The doctor let me look under the microscope and see the dead little guys myself. It was a sad sight. I say that sarcastically, but when I got home and told my husband the results, I did break down crying. I'm literally killing our chances for a baby. Our only option is artificial insemination. My doctor said that we could schedule the first try the very next day, but we're a little too stressed. (our apartment building caught on fire earlier in the week). So next cycle, we'll do the artificial insemination, providing that the clomid works again and I get a positive ovulation test.
The good news is we're able to do it at the student health center, and the cost is only $40, rather than the usual $300 or something. So hopefully it'll work before we move.
I have also been very blessed while taking clomid, I still didn't get any of the awful side affects this cycle and I got all the signs that ovulation was present.
I try to remain optimistic and trust in the Lord's timing.
The good news is, and it's hard for me to say this, if we were to conceive this cycle, the baby would be due at a most inconvient time as we are planning on moving in the summer for my husband to begin law school. But, I don't care much about inconviences, I just want a baby.

My (2nd) Besty

I love my sister. Some would say I should hate her because she's pregnant, and I'm not. I should also hate her because she's probably one of the cutest pregnant women I know, and she still weighs less than me, even at 6 and 1/2 months... But she is the best pregnant girl ever. She never complains about her pregnancy, doesn't dwell on the side affects, doesn't whine about being sick or fat or in pain, or that she can't sleep at night. She doesn't get offended by stupid comments from other people and is just all around easy to be spend time with. When she does talk about her baby it's usually something like "hey do you want this pack 'n play after my girl has grown out of it?" I love her so much, not only because she's so lovely, good humored and optimistic, but because she is so sensitive to me during a time that is most exciting and scary for her.
Thanks sis! I love you. (sorry you're not my first besty, that spot is reserved for my hubby forever).

Blaringly Negative

I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, I mean, that would have just been too lucky to get pregnant after the first round on clomid. But still... expecting a positive test is the whole point of trying right? I haven't completely broken into tears though (only a few teary eyes here and there). I am very fortunate to have a wonderful husband. He said he would make today the best it can be. We went to breakfast at my favorite place (Provo Temple), which is not just great because of the food, but the work we do before. It was so nice to feel that peace and love, and to serve someone else.
I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for his love, and the strength that he gives me. I know that God has a plan for me and my family and so I'm just going to keep doing the best that I can to serve him. A negative pregnancy doesn't have to determine my attitude.

Clomid and Ovulation Predictor Tests

I finished my first round of clomid a few days ago, 50 mg. I didn't have a singal side effect. I was pleasantly surprised. I had braced myself for the worst, hot flashes, moodiness, morning sickness, I was ready for it all, and nothing. I feel very fortunate.
Yesterday I did my first Ovulation test, it looked positive to me. I don't know if they work though, because today's was definately negative. We'll see if my temperature goes up tomorrow, then I'll believe that the test strip told the truth.

Found a Great Doctor!

We found a doctor we are really pleased with. It's actually kind of ironic, we're going to see a doctor that our insurance doesn't even cover, but he far surpasses any of the other doctors we have talked to or even heard about from our friends. He works at the student health center at the University where my husband attends school. So even though our insurance doesn't cover him, the care is discounted and to see him is actually less expensive than my regular co-pays.
Our main purposes for the visit were to get my husband's seman analysis results interpruted, with clarity, to answer my husband's questions, and to know what to do next. I pretty much already knew that Clomid was the next step, but we wanted to go through that process with a doctor we like. So here are the results:
Husband's seman analysis was A+. Our Doc said that we really couldn't except anything better. My husband was VERY proud to hear that.
We went over my test results and he said pretty much what I already knew, no ovulation, likely PCOS, but he did teach us something that I didn't know. There has been a study with Clomid and Metformin (I have been taking Metformin), they found that out of three groups, women on Metformin only, Clomid only or Both drugs, results were the strongest for the Clomid only group.
So I was given a perscription for Clomid and stopped the Metformin effectively immediately. The doc told me that it might be a good idea to save the Metformin pills for after I give birth (please oh please be sooner than later). The Metformin will help me to lose the pregnancy weight, one of the symptoms of PCOS is that it's easy to gain and hard to lose weight (totally me)

I took my first Clomid pill today.

I am optomistic.

Doctor Search

I need to find a Doctor.
We've come to a point where we don't know what to do next. We got my huband's seman analysis done, but the results were like this "Everything looks normal, except for one thing that may or may not be abnormal, but it's probably fine, but we're just nurses so we don't really know how to interprupt these things." !!!Like that's helpful!!!
If you've read my first post, I talk about how rude the doctor was when I went to consult with him (and by the way, I did get a bill, on top of the co-pay, for the 10 minutes he spent with me). We've decided that since trying to conceive a child is pretty much the most important and life changing decision we'll ever make, we don't want to share that part of our life with a doctor that is condescending.
So the search has begun. I need a doctor that is obviously knowledgable in infertility issues, one who won't make us feel worse about our situation, will clearly explain procedures and results, and will give us options so we can still make our own best informed decisions. That doesn't seem like too much to ask does it?

Oh the woes of the flat chested woman

My husband and I overheard a conversation between two women yesterday. One was complaining that she had to buy a water bra in order to fit into her wedding dress. They proceeded to talk about the best bras that give the best padding.
My husband and I thought it was pretty humorous. Being an A woman myself, I could certainly empathize with the water bra bride. But the topic itself made me mad. Why do we have to buy bras that make our breasts bigger in order to fit well into a dress or a shirt? And don't even get me started on swim suits, I can never find one that doesn't bother me somehow. Why can't they just make clothes that fit us with flatter chests? Why do we even have to care about creating the illusion of large breasts? Small breasts still work just fine. They are capable of doing all that they're meant for, women with small breasts can still produce milk and feed their babies. In fact I think we should be proud of our small breasts, I think we should be grateful we don't have to lug around big heavy chunks of fat that flop around on our chests and get in the way. Women with small breasts don't have to worry about sagging down to the belly button when we get older. One sports bra alone is sufficient to strap those puppies down. And if by chance we don't want to wear a bra one day, it's not as obvious, nor as crude looking (because let's face it, no one really wants to see that!)
But because of our world's insanely unreachable standards, not only does the small breasted woman have to walk around with the complex that she's not beautiful due to the flatness of her chest, she can't even find clothes that fit her properly.
Oh the woes...

Progress

It's been a good week. I didn't cry at all. I never even had to tell myself not to cry. I've been happy every day. I pray for courage and strength. Seems as though my petition has been granted. I'm grateful for that. It makes life much more manageable when I can be content with everything that I am able to control rather than focusing so much on the things that I cannot.
I have faith that good things will happen, all in good time.
I need to have faith.

Simple Joys

I planted three little snap dragon plants at the beginning of the summer. They should have started growing and blooming immediately, but they didn't. Two of them died. The third didn't die, but it didn't bloom either. I kept watering it in hopes that it would change it's mind and give me a little love. Finally the end of August, I got some blossoms! Since I don't have any children to brag about, I get to transfer my maternal love onto other things. This week is my baby is one struggling little snap dragon plant. I'm beaming with pride for the little pink blossoms.

Getting pregnant, not so easy afterall.

I'm hoping that this story is a short one, but I feel it necessary to start documenting our experience with trying to conceive our first child, as the road appears to be a rough one ahead. I hope to read this one day and laugh at my impatience, while at the same time praising the Lord for his tender mercies.

Chapter 1

Huaband and I have been hoping to get pregnant for 2 years now. Early on in our marriage we felt that having children should not be prevented and that if God wanted it to be so, who were we to stop Him from sending us a child, so we abandoned the birth control. At first it was kind of nice that I didn't get pregnant as we did spend precious time as couple, we were able to go to Washington DC for a semester and save a little money. But, there comes a time in a woman's life when biological alarm clock just starts beeping like crazy and the only way to turn it off is with morning sickness and an ever fattening belly. For about a year I went through roller-coaster cycles of being happy that I wasn't a mommy yet because I was able to do so many things without an extra appendage to drag around, then I would get sad again and take pregnancy tests when I was "late," even though my menstrual cycle has never been "on time" in my entire life.

A little after a year of going birth control free, and during one of my cycles in which I happened to be content with my life, Husband and I went to an Infertility Seminar where we learned that if you haven't become pregnant after trying for a year, you've got infertility problems. 1 in 7 couples have problems with infertility, so we are not alone. We listened to the experiences of three couples who each had problems with infertility and had to go the routes of artificial insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF) and adoption. I remained optimistic, though began to become skeptical that I would never be able to conceive naturally.

I read the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and started charting temperatures and cervical fluid. I discovered that I was most likely not ovulating. I still remained optimistic and felt that as long as I can figure out a pattern, I will know when we should attempt conception. Husband was not as confident as I was in my new found knowledge of progesterone, egg white cervical mucus and the luteul phase. He convinced me to go to a doctor.

I visited with a Nurse Practitioner, a referral from a trusted co-worker who is also going through the same challenges. My first visit was in June 2009. Husband came with me, we expressed to her that we are trying to get pregnant and have not had much luck in nearly 2 years. She did a basic woman's exam on me, took my blood to check my hormone levels for PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and sent me to get an ultrasound on my ovaries. Getting the ultrasound was plenty interesting, but mostly depressing, getting my empty uterus and out-of-order ovaries checked out certainly did not match my idea of how my first ultrasound would go. At least Husband was there to keep me smiling.

A couple days later we got the results, they were less than climatic, there was nothing wrong with me. My ovaries were plenty normal and healthy, my hormone levels were normal and healthy. Normally that would probably be good news, to me it just meant a dark hole leading to greater frustration and pain. The NP perscribed Metformin to help control the insulin which balances other hormones. This didn't make much sense to me if my hormones are already at normal, healthy levels. But it's a cheap perscription, so why not?
I want to have a baby so badly it hurts. And there is nothing wrong with me, but nothing is working right either.
I know that I have been blessed though. For the most part, I'm still able to be around other pregnant women and babies. I'm not too bitter to go to Church where 50% or more of our sisters are happily carrying their first child, either in their bellies or in their arms. I still go to baby showers and can still be sincerely happy for my friends and their good fortunes. I've felt great courage and strength from the Lord. Deep down, (and some days it's more deep than others) I know that we'll be blessed with babies. God's timing is always perfect. I, on the other hand, am not perfect. So, this is one of my many chances to take this trial and let it lead me closer to my God.

Chapter 2

Second visit to the doctor. This time, I went to the real doctor instead of the Nurse Practitioner. Naively I thought maybe he'd be able to give me better answers to my questions and more clear direction (ha!). He was rather condescending. I explained to him that I was frustrated that my results were supposedly "normal" but the result of my efforts in getting pregnant were definitely not normal. I told him about my cycles and asked if he would like to see my charts. He basically told me that my charts were worthless and to throw away the thermometer that I have been clinging to for answers. He said that I do in fact have PCOS, that blood levels and cysts on ovaries are not necessarily the only manifestations of PCOS, it can be as simple as excessive hair growth (which I definitely have), inability to lose weight (which is me), small breasts (me again) and annovulation (me, the most unfortunate). There's no tangible reason that I do not ovulate. I just don't. He said there is no way to tell because of the thousands of hormones and chemicals in our bodies that physicians don't even know about, I just happen to react to differently, and there's no way to tell how or why, but they prevent me from releasing an egg. I have periods every once in a while because the uterus can only handle keeping the same lining for so long, then it just has to shed and drain blood. It has nothing to do with ovulation. The doctor told me my only option is Clomid. Clomid is a drug that basically puts your body into a pseudo meno-pause, then when you stop it your ovaries are supposed to be so overjoyed that you're back to normal that they want to ovulate. Of course, he didn't explain any of this to me, he didn't seem interested in explaining much but rather nearly bullying me into hanging on his professional opinion as an experienced doctor of 15 years. Seriously, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer from this guy! He's watched way too much House. I almost wanted to apologize that my $25 copay plus whatever else the insurance was paying him, plus whatever other bill I was going to get, wasn't enough to make him care about me.
I did eventually get what I needed from him.
Husband should get a semen analysis before we do anything else.
Using Metformin won't look like it's doing anything for about a year after consistent use. (This is the prescription that the Nurse gave me from the first visit that I have been less than diligent in taking as I still don't really understand the point)
Spotty brown period like bleeding is just the uterus draining left over blood from the last time it didn't get everything else out. It doesn't mean anything.
I do not ovulate.
No one knows why, nor has anyone yet figured it out why some women don't ovulate.
Clomid is the option before IUI or IVF.
Doctor said he could send me to an infertility specialist who would do lots of expensive tests then still prescribe Clomid. Granted, this guy wasn't the nicest, and I don't know how much I can trust him per se, but from the few people that I know who have gone through similar experiences, Clomid really is usually the first route.
So, I had him check my ovaries to make sure there are no large cysts that would prevent an egg from busting through, everything apparently felt normal, he gave me the prescription, explained how to do it, and left.
I wanted to cry. But I've decided to be courageous. And I've decided that no bully doctor is going to determine my mood for me, nor is he going to decide the only way that Husband and I can make a baby. We may proceed with the Clomid, but only after we have discussed it together and prayed over it. At least I have the option now. Options are good. They're part of God's plan.