So, as I stated in my previous post, the doctor told me that I would not be able to conceive on my own. Of course my doctor is the sweetest man and was much more tactful and less blunt, but that was the gist of it. My body creates antibodies that kill the sperm. Well, as I also said, we opted not to do an IUI the next day, even though the timing was right, because we were so stressed about having to move out of our apartment due to the fire upstairs and our home smelling like smoke. Needless to say, it was a bad week for anything, let alone baby making. We were living in a hotel/our car/Skylar's parents house.
Anyone who has taken a health class has learned that the journey for a tiny little sperm is amazingly long and difficult. All conception seems to be a miracle in itself.
They say that stress is bad for conception.
The medical probability also is depleted significantly when the woman's body (such as mine) is not creating a friendly environment for those already vulnerable swimmers to make it along in their voyage.
So when my period didn't start, and my temperatures remained high 23 days past the predicted ovulation date, I started to get a little suspicious. I didn't think I was pregnant. I just thought that the Clomid wasn't actually working and I didn't actually ovulate and my temperatures were only high because it's cold and my body was over compensating. I was planning on calling my doctor and requesting a stronger dosage of Clomid as soon as my period started, since I had already had my monthly check up the day I thought my period was going to start. I had also taken a pregnancy test the morning before I saw the doctor, on my 29th day, just to be sure I wasn't going to see him for nothing. I had had a dream that morning that the test would be positive and I wouldn't have to go to the doctor after all. But my dream didn't come true. The test was negative, only the 1 familiar pink line.
A week later, still cramping, still hot in the morning, I peed on a stick again. As awful as it sounds, when I met that long awaited stranger, the second pink line, my reaction wasn't nearly as delighted as I had always imagined it would be for that moment. I cried, as I had imagined, but not for joy. I was actually scared.
Getting pregnant right now is the worst possible timing. One month before would be do-able, 1 month after, still not the best, but better. August 25th is my expected due date (according to babycenter.com due date calculator) Skylar will be starting law school around that time. The chances of him being in the delivery room with me are slim to none. Unless baby wants to come 3 weeks early, or he doesn't move out until the day before school. (The good news is that I will be able to work and keep my insurance through the whole pregnancy, which I am grateful for).
I cried and cried and was so mad at myself for 1. Not thinking through a logical plan, and not calculating better, and 2. I was mad for being mad at myself! ~My first pregnant emotional breakdown.
Skylar, being the fantastic, wonderful husband that he is, calmed me down in minutes, reminded me that everything will be ok. It may not be the way we imagined, but it'll be alright, things will work out, and for heaven's sake, we're pregnant!!
When we were married for only a few months we decided to stop the birth control because we wanted to put the child bearing business in the Lord's hands, let it happen when it happens. When we started Clomid we felt it was the right thing to do because NOT being on the infertility medication was just as effective as birth control, and again, we still wanted to be available for our children to join our family when the Lord saw fit. So what if God decided to play a little jokey on us and send a baby at the worst possible time? That doesn't mean we're going to give up on our faith and be angry at the timing. The whole point of our method was that we didn't want to be the ones to choose when the timing was right. We figured God was much better at timing than we would ever be. If we waited until we were "ready" we would never be "ready."
We're going to roll with the punches, make the most of it. And THANK GOD every single day that I have a growing baby in my belly.
I know we may get many people criticize our method, think that we're being immature or impulsive. Some may believe that we give God too much credit. And that's fine, they can criticize. But we're doing what we feel is right for our family. We believe that having and raising children is the best blessing we can receive in this life, so bring on the blessings, even when they come with trials. The hard times will pass and be gone, and when they're over, we'll still have our blessings, and we'll be even more grateful for them.
To my dear friends who are going through the struggles of infertility. Don't give up hope. I'm afraid anything I say may come off as hypocritical, or easy to say because I'm out of it for the time being, but I want you to know that I love you, and I know how you feel. I felt almost guilty when I got pregnant and my friends going through similar, or even worse infertility problems than I, have not conceived. Even only a few weeks ago, nothing anyone ever said was of much comfort. So I'm not going to try to offer any words of consolation, just know that I empathize.
5 months ago
