Getting pregnant, not so easy afterall.

I'm hoping that this story is a short one, but I feel it necessary to start documenting our experience with trying to conceive our first child, as the road appears to be a rough one ahead. I hope to read this one day and laugh at my impatience, while at the same time praising the Lord for his tender mercies.

Chapter 1

Huaband and I have been hoping to get pregnant for 2 years now. Early on in our marriage we felt that having children should not be prevented and that if God wanted it to be so, who were we to stop Him from sending us a child, so we abandoned the birth control. At first it was kind of nice that I didn't get pregnant as we did spend precious time as couple, we were able to go to Washington DC for a semester and save a little money. But, there comes a time in a woman's life when biological alarm clock just starts beeping like crazy and the only way to turn it off is with morning sickness and an ever fattening belly. For about a year I went through roller-coaster cycles of being happy that I wasn't a mommy yet because I was able to do so many things without an extra appendage to drag around, then I would get sad again and take pregnancy tests when I was "late," even though my menstrual cycle has never been "on time" in my entire life.

A little after a year of going birth control free, and during one of my cycles in which I happened to be content with my life, Husband and I went to an Infertility Seminar where we learned that if you haven't become pregnant after trying for a year, you've got infertility problems. 1 in 7 couples have problems with infertility, so we are not alone. We listened to the experiences of three couples who each had problems with infertility and had to go the routes of artificial insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF) and adoption. I remained optimistic, though began to become skeptical that I would never be able to conceive naturally.

I read the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and started charting temperatures and cervical fluid. I discovered that I was most likely not ovulating. I still remained optimistic and felt that as long as I can figure out a pattern, I will know when we should attempt conception. Husband was not as confident as I was in my new found knowledge of progesterone, egg white cervical mucus and the luteul phase. He convinced me to go to a doctor.

I visited with a Nurse Practitioner, a referral from a trusted co-worker who is also going through the same challenges. My first visit was in June 2009. Husband came with me, we expressed to her that we are trying to get pregnant and have not had much luck in nearly 2 years. She did a basic woman's exam on me, took my blood to check my hormone levels for PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and sent me to get an ultrasound on my ovaries. Getting the ultrasound was plenty interesting, but mostly depressing, getting my empty uterus and out-of-order ovaries checked out certainly did not match my idea of how my first ultrasound would go. At least Husband was there to keep me smiling.

A couple days later we got the results, they were less than climatic, there was nothing wrong with me. My ovaries were plenty normal and healthy, my hormone levels were normal and healthy. Normally that would probably be good news, to me it just meant a dark hole leading to greater frustration and pain. The NP perscribed Metformin to help control the insulin which balances other hormones. This didn't make much sense to me if my hormones are already at normal, healthy levels. But it's a cheap perscription, so why not?
I want to have a baby so badly it hurts. And there is nothing wrong with me, but nothing is working right either.
I know that I have been blessed though. For the most part, I'm still able to be around other pregnant women and babies. I'm not too bitter to go to Church where 50% or more of our sisters are happily carrying their first child, either in their bellies or in their arms. I still go to baby showers and can still be sincerely happy for my friends and their good fortunes. I've felt great courage and strength from the Lord. Deep down, (and some days it's more deep than others) I know that we'll be blessed with babies. God's timing is always perfect. I, on the other hand, am not perfect. So, this is one of my many chances to take this trial and let it lead me closer to my God.

Chapter 2

Second visit to the doctor. This time, I went to the real doctor instead of the Nurse Practitioner. Naively I thought maybe he'd be able to give me better answers to my questions and more clear direction (ha!). He was rather condescending. I explained to him that I was frustrated that my results were supposedly "normal" but the result of my efforts in getting pregnant were definitely not normal. I told him about my cycles and asked if he would like to see my charts. He basically told me that my charts were worthless and to throw away the thermometer that I have been clinging to for answers. He said that I do in fact have PCOS, that blood levels and cysts on ovaries are not necessarily the only manifestations of PCOS, it can be as simple as excessive hair growth (which I definitely have), inability to lose weight (which is me), small breasts (me again) and annovulation (me, the most unfortunate). There's no tangible reason that I do not ovulate. I just don't. He said there is no way to tell because of the thousands of hormones and chemicals in our bodies that physicians don't even know about, I just happen to react to differently, and there's no way to tell how or why, but they prevent me from releasing an egg. I have periods every once in a while because the uterus can only handle keeping the same lining for so long, then it just has to shed and drain blood. It has nothing to do with ovulation. The doctor told me my only option is Clomid. Clomid is a drug that basically puts your body into a pseudo meno-pause, then when you stop it your ovaries are supposed to be so overjoyed that you're back to normal that they want to ovulate. Of course, he didn't explain any of this to me, he didn't seem interested in explaining much but rather nearly bullying me into hanging on his professional opinion as an experienced doctor of 15 years. Seriously, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer from this guy! He's watched way too much House. I almost wanted to apologize that my $25 copay plus whatever else the insurance was paying him, plus whatever other bill I was going to get, wasn't enough to make him care about me.
I did eventually get what I needed from him.
Husband should get a semen analysis before we do anything else.
Using Metformin won't look like it's doing anything for about a year after consistent use. (This is the prescription that the Nurse gave me from the first visit that I have been less than diligent in taking as I still don't really understand the point)
Spotty brown period like bleeding is just the uterus draining left over blood from the last time it didn't get everything else out. It doesn't mean anything.
I do not ovulate.
No one knows why, nor has anyone yet figured it out why some women don't ovulate.
Clomid is the option before IUI or IVF.
Doctor said he could send me to an infertility specialist who would do lots of expensive tests then still prescribe Clomid. Granted, this guy wasn't the nicest, and I don't know how much I can trust him per se, but from the few people that I know who have gone through similar experiences, Clomid really is usually the first route.
So, I had him check my ovaries to make sure there are no large cysts that would prevent an egg from busting through, everything apparently felt normal, he gave me the prescription, explained how to do it, and left.
I wanted to cry. But I've decided to be courageous. And I've decided that no bully doctor is going to determine my mood for me, nor is he going to decide the only way that Husband and I can make a baby. We may proceed with the Clomid, but only after we have discussed it together and prayed over it. At least I have the option now. Options are good. They're part of God's plan.